


star shopping

by borntomesmer



Category: Placebo (UK Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 17:47:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13885926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borntomesmer/pseuds/borntomesmer
Summary: if i find a way, would you walk it with me?





	star shopping

**Author's Note:**

> oh wow okay so i was going through a lot of emotions when i wrote this and i finished it in like 20 minutes so i'm sorry if it's bad/choppy i'll probably delete it later anyways  
> (p.s. i promise my next fic will be happy i’m actually so sorry lmao)

It all started when he found Brian puking in the bathroom after he swore he’d never do it again. Or maybe when Brian had almost bled out in the bathtub after he’d put on the worst performance of his career. Perhaps it was the time he’d called Stefan 6 times in one night because his anxiety was acting up and he just couldn’t fall asleep. Stefan really couldn’t take it anymore.

Brian still remembers that night. The night where Stefan said his final “I love you” and told him he couldn’t deal with it anymore, despite how hard he’d been trying. He remembers how Stefan had been crying as well, saying how this is the last thing in the world he wanted to do. Stefan had told Brian he still loved him, but that he, with all his being, just could not do it anymore. Then he kissed him, exited the house, and left Brian a sobbing mess on his bedroom floor.

Two weeks later, maybe Brian had gone out shopping or visited friends, but all in all he was still in the same position. An absolute mess because of this heartbreak. Brian cried out for his lover, a mess of smudged mascara and greasy hair sobbing in the bathtub. He tried to live with it, as he always did. Stefan never really knew it, but he was Brian’s star. Now his night sky had just turned black.

He’d written Stefan fifty love songs, and threw them all in the River Wye once he realized he was too nervous to send them to his house. For around thirty minutes he just sat on the railing of the Severn Bridge, before a petite old lady walked up and tried to convince him that life was really worth living for. Brian remembered her grabbing him gently by the hands and asking him what was wrong. Warm tears dripping down his face and a few minutes later, the elderly woman pulled him into a tight, tight hug. She wasn’t judgmental at all, and told him that even though it may seem terrible now he would always have someone that loves him. Something else along the lines of “The stars will align, and you will always find someone new. Some relationships aren’t meant to last forever.” Brian knew it would all be okay after that.

He decided to walk home and call up some friends to vent. Then it was his siblings, then his best friend in the world. They just couldn’t care. He wasn’t too sure if he believed that old lady anymore.

It just seemed plain selfish to the boy. Brian looked in the mirror and told himself off for being such a clingy person. _He’s probably fucking moved on anyways and found himself a prettier boy. Don’t be silly,_ he thought to himself. Maybe it was time for Brian to find himself a new star to illuminate his world again.

Clubbing didn’t work out too well either. All those men wanted was a piece of ass for the night and then they’d leave once he fell asleep. Brian was smart. He knew what happened with boys from the gay bar. He’s just sad he was stupid enough to not avoid it the first time he was needy enough that he’d leave with anyone. But that’s just what Brian was. Needy.

Now he’s just walking around his bedroom trying to settle himself down. The Cure was blaring from his stereo, Robert Smith’s soft voice calming him enough to where he could at least breathe properly. It was all Brian could focus on. Even if he was two minutes away from a panic attack, at least he could breathe.

The short boy looks at the calendar and realizes it’s been twenty-seven days since Stefan broke up with him. He looks to the old pictures of them that he still hasn’t taken down, and the love letters in the heart-shaped box. He could never rid of those no matter how hard he tried.

Brian looks in the mirror and is ashamed of what he sees staring back at him. What was once a boy with all the love in the world carried in his heart, was now just a numb soul. Too sad to love again. Too scared to love again. He knew Stefan never meant any harm, but it still broke his heart.

His body looked skeletal due to all the under-eating, collarbones peeking through skin like light escaping the clouds in the sky. His ribs were only slightly prominent through his stomach. Brian was ashamed of what he saw standing before him. He was sick and tired of looking at his body. Remorseful of how he even let himself get this way. So he just decided to put his favorite baggy sweatshirt on and tuck himself into bed. _Maybe if I sleep it off I’ll feel better,_ he thought to himself.

The vodka he’d purchased earlier in the week sure looked pretty tasty to him right now. _I’m already desensitized enough, why stop now?_ He thought. An hour later, Brian could feel his empty stomach growling, because obviously alcohol and an empty stomach is just no good as a combination. Brian knew that due to previous experience. But he didn’t care at all. All Brian wanted to do was get drunk and forget about everything. He just lied down and drank the rest of the bottle.

He had tried to write a song or two, to maybe clear up his mind a bit. They all ended up being about heartbreak. Maybe painting a picture would do the trick. Two hours later, he ended up with a finished piece of art. Blue and black paint had stained the sleeves of his pale pink sweatshirt, with gold glitter all over the purple rug. The painting ended up as a starry night sky. _God, I’ll never get this boy out of his mind, will I?_

Hours and hours pass, and the next thing Brian knows it’s 2AM. After fifteen minutes of pondering, he finally gets the idea to call Stefan’s number. He can’t wait any longer. He has to get closure or else he’s going to go mental.

The boy had thought about it for a while. At first it seemed totally insane, then it turned into not that bad of an idea, now he’s adamant on going through with this. Brian dialed the number from memory. Fear struck throughout his body as he waited for his star to pick up.

_Come on, come on Stef please…_

_I need to talk to you, pick up please…_

Brian felt tears well up in his eyes. Soon, a single tear dripped down his cheeks as he spoke into the phone. He could already feel the mental breakdown coming along.

_I know you probably hate me I’m just, I need to-_

“We’re sorry. You have reached a number that is disconnected or that is no longer in service.”

And that’s when it finally hits Brian that Stefan had really left him. There’s no coming back this time.


End file.
